Real Biblical Accountability - New Man eMagazine

Real Biblical Accountability

Though accountability has its limits, you need it if you want to grow into a man of integrity and maturity.

By Doug Rosenau

Fact: You will never grow into the man you want to be without one or two other men wisely and courageously helping you. The concept of accountability develops this important ideal.

God knows each of us is born immature and sinful, and we can't grow up all on our own. Jesus is the first and foremost accountability partner as He calls each of us to "deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray," and to "encourage one another daily ... so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness" (Heb. 3:13; 5:2, NIV).

What a great adventure and challenge confronts each of us: seeking out those effective growth partners and truly becoming one for someone else. Unfortunately, many guys aren't the mighty accountability partners that they think they are.

Additionally, many Christian men think they have great accountability in place but the truth is that they do not! They are sitting ducks--an accident waiting to happen. I call this "dangerous accountability."

Dangerous accountability will do nothing to help you curb your temper, stop pornography use, avoid that affair or transform a poor relationship with God. What we need are Super Accountability Partners (SAPs). SAPs possess crucial skills and qualities, and follow these seven simple rules:

1. Create a safe harbor. Accountability thrives on dependability and trust. Confidentiality is crucial to safety.

Jim shared everything with his accountability partner, Stan. One day, Jim noticed that Stan's wife had started looking at him differently. Jim put two and two together and realized that Stan had let his wife in on their confidential discussions. When Jim angrily confronted Stan about this, Stan confessed that he always shared everything with his wife. Accountability partners must be trustworthy.

Safety is also built on respect. You must feel confident that your accountability partner can lead you out of temptation and help you to create effective safeguards. He needs to understand your struggles, but it cannot be the blind leading the blind. The fact that your partner does not have an equal struggle with your weak area, or has grown to greater maturity, promotes security and growth.

We also feel safe when instead of judgment there is a gentle, assertive maturity that insists on the wisdom of righteousness. "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently" (Gal. 6:1). Negative reactions to confessions of sin create mistrust.

Bob immediately knew he did not have an appropriate buddy when Chris seemed to wince and withdraw after Bob confessed about stealing from his company. Michael quickly realized that even though the guys in his accountability group were effective at helping other men who struggled with lust, they were uncomfortable when Michael confessed that he struggled sometimes with same-sex attraction.

Acceptance of the sinner and the ability to deal with various types of sin create safety. "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you" (Rom. 15:7).

2. Take names and kick butt! If you don't know how to interrogate skillfully, how can you hold anyone accountable? "The words of the wise are like goads" (Eccl. 12:11).

An accountability partner must understand you and your weak points enough to be that goad and catalyst for change. Godly interrogation is based on loving acceptance accompanied with deep commitment and understanding.

We must mutually respect and accept one another before we can nondefensively open ourselves up to the tough questions. Real and deep relationships foster this kind of interaction: "Have you masturbated this week? Are you lying to me? What aren't you telling me?"

Skillful interrogation is a necessity and may be difficult at the Waffle House.

"Correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction" (2 Tim. 4:2). I don't like the word "buddy" for an accountability partner because our goal isn't to be a buddy. We are fellow warriors who are trying to make some serious changes in one another's lives.

We aren't meeting just for fellowship, but we realize that we could lose everything we have if we don't help one another change and grow up. If a person can't get in someone's face and say like the apostle Paul, "If I caused you pain, I don't regret it," (see 2 Cor. 7:8) then they shouldn't be accountable for someone else. Accountability is not for sissies.

3. Reveal shameful shortcomings. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed" (James 5:16). Only courage will allow us to shine God's light into the darkest, locked compartments of our lives.

In order for real accountability to take place, we must go into all our secret compartments and expose them to the light of God's truth: "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible" (Eph. 5:11-13).

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18).

Warriors need to drive beyond the shame and courageously reveal all the secrets. Satan works in darkness. His power is broken and we no longer need to be an impostor. We jettison our guilt as our partners hear our ugliest secrets, and still love and accept us into change.

4. Be truly available for crises. As I inquired, one of my counselees told me that his accountability person worked two jobs and on both jobs was asked to not receive personal calls. He was available on Monday, Thursday and Saturday evenings (7 p.m.-9:30 p.m.) and Sunday afternoons for calls or interaction.

Dangerous accountability occurs when partners are unavailable. I think one of his prayers should have been, "Lord, bless my accountability relationship and please only let my crises occur only on the times my partner is available."

Busyness and overcommitment may be the biggest obstacle to being a true SAP.

We need to be available and not just for emergencies. It takes much time to get to know and love one another. True love is based on knowledge and acceptance. Accountability partners can only lovingly rub rough edges off as they become friends that stick closer than brothers and know one another inside out. This won't happen with an occasional breakfast and phone call.

5. Structure contact. "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid" (Prov. 12:1).

A client was finally conquering his terrible temper. I asked what was making the difference because I knew counseling hadn't gotten the job done. He quickly replied: "My accountability partner. We touch base by phone every day and have lunch Thursday. He expects me to call at least three times a week to either confess when I slip up or ask for help because I am about to blow."

Haphazard accountability wastes time and can be deadly. Regular meetings, regular phone calls and a plan for crises all must be in place. Asking the right questions and coaching one another on how to interrogate is also a part of needed structure.

6. Stay out of the 'zone.' Scripture emphasizes acting on truth and knowledge or all is for nothing (see James 1:22-25). Underutilized accountability never works.

Jerry's two-week missionary trip was tough because in ministering to the poor, the team worked on a street that prostitutes frequented. When he returned to the States, he was really aroused, and was already planning release through Internet pornography and masturbation.

His accountability network asked why he did not make a phone call immediately after he got off the plane. His truthful answer was that he had not called them that often and couldn't bring himself to make that shame-filled call. How could he call and admit, "I was on a missionary trip and got horny witnessing to destitute prostitutes"?

In addiction, the term "zone" is used to indicate that place of temptation where a person will probably fall and act out. Getting off the plane and going home and getting on the Internet was too late for the phone call. The quicker we access and utilize our accountability, the more likely we won't sin.

7. Know the limits. Even the best accountability relationships will break down sometimes. Every man must go into accountability realizing that he and God are really the majority.

Jesus broke the power of sin as we accept Him as Savior. We must always access this power because we have to make the choices. Our accountability can help---but we have to make all the initial choices! A man must make that phone call, choose to build the relationship, institute safeguards and run when necessary.

Temptations often come out of the blue, and with God's help, we must flee. Remember Joseph when Potiphar's wife tried to seduce him while alone in Pharaoh's house? Because of his relationship with God, he fled. What if he had said, "Stay right there with your blouse unbuttoned, and I am going to try and access my accountability network."

Accountability can be dangerous. Always keep in front of you that even at its best, accountability is limited, and you will have to make some snap decisions to flee. Be a warrior as you open up all the shameful secrets, band together and make time to truly love one another.

Risk your partner's anger and hurt as you interrogate and lovingly hold his feet to the fire. Though accountability has limitation, we desperately need one another if we are to grow into the men of integrity and maturity we desire. NM

Doug Rosenau is a marriage and sex therapist in Atlanta, author of A Celebration of Sex and co-founder of SexualWholeness.com, which teaches biblical sexuality.