Babewatch - New Man eMagazine

Babewatch

By Dr. Doug Rosenau

Is it just looking, or is it sinful lust?

Dear Dr. Doug,

Warmer weather is here, and women are back into those sexy tops, shorts and sandals. OK, so I don't really notice the sandals that much. Is all my looking lust? Do girls enjoy being noticed? I really want to be mature and godly in appreciating women. I do stay off the wrong Internet sites.

An Avid Babe-watcher

Dear Babe-watcher:

Of course, all of your looking is not sinful lust. God created us to enjoy the opposite sex and did not put blinders on us so that we only notice our (future) Eve. However, do set up some practical boundaries for girl-watching. These help me: (1) Keep your gaze moving--stare more than a few seconds and you're objectifying. (2) Discipline cues with thought-stopping--don't allow one cue to lead you into six more. It isn't seeing the cute jogger but running off the road checking her out in the rearview mirror and your next four thoughts that create lust. (3) Observe the total person. What is she carrying? What does her forehead look like?

Yes, women enjoy being noticed and admired. But they're not into obnoxious ogling and objectifying lust! There's a difference, and we need to learn it. I laughed when you said that you stay off the Internet. Every guy I know who is sexually sinning has one thing he brags about not doing. "I may subscribe to Playboy, but I never look at Baywatch." Hang in there and keep growing.

Dear Dr. Doug:

I have this horrible, agonizing secret. I don't want to be gay and have struggled with this since junior high. When I got married, my wife knew about the problem, and I hoped she could help me grow beyond these feelings. At first it was better and we were able to create a decent sex life. Recently, I've been visiting some same sex chat rooms and sites on the Net. Is there any hope for me? Can my marriage make it?

Your Guilt-ridden Christian Imposter

Dear Imposter:

You have it backwards. You are not a fake Christian if you have that personal relationship with Christ. You are actually a righteous husband, now posing as a sinner. I think a big part of anyone's sexuality is choices, and what you feed grows. You are feeding the sinful, homosexual part of you now. Let God's power and wisdom get you back to making better choices.

My heart goes out to you. You can't just try to be straight. Let God work on growing you into mature intimacy with your bride. Spend fun, vulnerable time with her as a companion. The goal is not lusting after her body but enjoying a warm, intimate sexual connection. You may always struggle with attractive men, but you can still build real sexual intimacy with your wife. Your marriage can make it.

A couple of other tips: Create close male friendship that you can't sexualize as you meet male intimacy needs. Join support groups. Find a qualified Christian therapist and talk this through. NM

Doug Rosenau is a licensed psycholgist and certified sex therapist in Atlanta, and is the author of A Celebration of Sex. For further information, visit his Web site, www.sexualwholeness.com.

If you have a question for Doug Rosenau about sex-related issues, write to us: Ask Dr. Doug, c/o New Man, 600 Rinehart Road, Lake Mary, FL 32746. Or, e-mail us at newman@strang.com